i'd rather...

be doing practically anything than watching more football. it is my husbands only day to sit around and watch what he wants and i want to spend time with him (which is why i'm not in the bedroom watching a movie) and so i'm forced to watch hours on end of football i couldn't possibly care about less. i'd really rather be playing the zelda game (NERD!!) but the wii is in the den and the tv in the bedroom isn't connected to a tv signal so it only does movies- can't kick the hubby in there. or i could be working on my husbands christmakkah present.. but since he's in the house it sorta limits my availability to do that. so i'm suck. on the couch. with bad tv announcers. blargle.

been a while

it's been some time since i've posted anything and i thought- what a shame- perhaps not for you, maybe you haven't missed it. but i think there is something about writing down your thoughts that helps you work through things... and i can always use the help. :)

things are finally starting to get back into a normal flow here after such a long time out of town. after the horrible car wreck there was the death of my grandfather, followed by a horrible fight between my mom and her brother (who is complete db and not missed but it still upset her to let go of him so soon after loosing her dad), then thanksgiving. a lot of time was spent in the car which i'm still not super comfortable with. it may be silly but i keep thinking about all the what ifs that could happen and freak myself the hell out. the brain- it's a weird place. and a lot of time was spent with family. some times it was for good reasons sometimes... not as much. but it was good getting to see them. i saw them more during the month of november then i have in the last year. sometimes i hate that my family and i live so far away from each other, and from my husbands family too.

speaking of rickys family - i'm going to be an aunt again! kevin and hillary are expecting a little girl. can't wait for it... and i hope kevs brain doesn't explode.

glad things are starting to calm down around here and the boys can get back to "normal".. or as normal as we ever are.

different/same

things have really changed for me in the last month. from the giant car wreck, and having to buy a new car to my granddad passing away and all the things that brings and takes away i have been an emotional roller coaster.
when driving to sherman, tx for the funeral my husband ricky told me that i wasn't driving like myself, that i was intimidated by the other drivers. that i was scared of what they might do. i told him that wasn't true. i'm not intimidated... i'm terrified. the thought of being put in the situation where this thought has even the slightest chance to cross my mind freezes me up: are my kids still alive? if you are a parent then you know how debilitating this question is. so scared of having to ask that question again. ever.
and i know its somewhat 'litle girl' of me but... i miss my granddad. it broke my heart every time i saw him for the last year or so because i always thought 'this could be the last time i see him alive.' he was frail and weak the last few times i saw them that he was almost unrecognizable from the strong, confident man i had known my whole life. i will miss him dearly and hope that, if there is a life after this one, he and my gran are getting to see each other again. he's missed her badly.
just a reminder to you and to myself that this life will end one day. if we like or not we will one day the people we love will have to say goodbye to us and be left behind. do not forget to tell them while you can all the things that they mean to you. soon it will be too late and possible unexpected. i was lucky that i had so much time with my granddad and that knew the end was coming, so many others are not so lucky. remember when you wake up in the morning that this day could be your last day. do not put of the things you want or you may never get to see them accomplished.

http://youtu.be/penzsVANV0k

one month

i can't believe its already been a month since the car accident. i'm still having panic attacks and elijah asked me yesterday (when we had to stop quickly) if we were going to crash again. i'm ready to put this part of our lives behind us.

wrecked

a week ago today my family and i enjoyed a lovely day at he texas state fair and then headed back home to round rock after a great weekend in dallas. sadly in elm mott (just outside of waco) we were in a multiple car collision and our car was flipped twice with myself, my husband and our 2 young sons inside. we were really fortunate to, not only all walk away, but to all come out of it with just bruising and some cuts... and even then only on me and ricky. the boys were completely untouched. i can't put into words how fortunate, lucky and totally grateful i am that my family is safe and that i am not having to morn the loss of my loved ones, or have them morn my loss. surely G-d was watching out for us and keeping us out of harms way...

 pics of the crash

....and yet, despite the fact that we are all okay i can't help but feel horribly guilty that i (as the driver) could not keep my family out of harms way. that all of the financial burden (new car, car seats, camera battery, ambulance ride, x-rays, ct scans) and emotional upheaval (i'll cry at practically anything these days (its like being pregnant all over again) and elijah is having night terrors) are all my fault. mentally, i know that there is nothing i could have done to avoid being rear-ended or being hit when the other truck lost control... but emotionally i am guilt ridden in a way i've never felt before, despite what my brain says. 

it's worse at night when elijah wakes up screaming and refuses to go back to sleep because he's too scared and knows he'll have bad dreams again. i'm finding it hard to reassure him because i question my ability to keep him safe. hopefully he and i will find a good place again soon. in the mean time i will take comfort by holding my family close to me and spending as much time as possible showing them that i love them. and praying that nothing like this happens to our family again.

wwwhhhyyyy????

did you ever notice that when you have a really late night, for whatever reason, your children know and out of  instinct wake up extra early? 6 am was so stupid early this morning that i can barely think straight at the moment. i can't wait for elijahs nap time.

tomorrow will be elijahs first day at daycare since we took him out in march to stay home with me to save money. its a new day care and i'm a little nervous but we went by yesterday so elijah could met his new teacher and her kids (its out of her house so they'll be there with him) and they all got on really well. so that was encouraging. hopefully every thing goes smoothly.... fingers crossed.

love

i've been thinking a lot about love lately (weird since it isn't feb). love between a man and a woman, parents and their children, friends.. whatever. and i've pulled together some of my favorite love phrases.. hope this inspires you to tell someone you love them.

• i like not only to be loved, but to be told that i am loved. -george eliott
• there is no remedy for love, but to love more. -henry david thoreau
• the sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo last a great deal longer. -oliver wendell holmes
• to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with- mark twain
• people who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. -bob hope
• your capacity to love others is closely related to your capacity to love yourself. -bruce fisher
• love is an act of endless forgiveness. -peter ustinov
• love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. -jules renard
• love demands the impossible, the absolute, the sky on fire, inexhaustible springtime, life after death and death itself transfigured into eternal life. -albert camus
• love is a temporary madness.-captain corelli's mandolin
• i love you , not only for what you are, but for what i am when i am with you. -roy croft
• kiss me and you will see stars; love me and i will give them to you. -unknown
• if i had a flower for every time i thought of you, i could walk in my garden forever. -alfred lord tennyson   

have any other great love verses? send them my way!