blargle

i see other women who seem so cut out to be stay at home moms... i would love to be one of them. on the other hand i am at home with my 2 beautiful sons, that i love, and i kinda hate it. while its giving me a lot of time to get laundry and dishes done (woo-hoo?) my lovely elijah is expressing what it is to (at the same time) revert because of a new sibling and go through the terrible threes. currently ricky is having to lay down with him to try and calm him down enough to not get sick... it won't last. i drove the boys to meet dada for lunch today and half way across the overpass from 35 to the tollway and had to pull over and get out of the car just to scream... yep, thats where i am in my job as a mom. the scream when no one else is around stage.

dear g-d i hope this passes soon.

%$&*%@*#$!!!!

starting to have a slight freak out about whats going to happen in a couple of weeks when ricky goes back to work and i'm at the house by myself 6 days, 5 afternoons and 4 (or more) nights a week.... when will i sleep? when will i see my husband? when will i get to talk to people who are my own age and who can carry on a conversation? especially if i end up not going back to work. right now i'm not sure that its worth it. i'd only be available saturday afternoons/nights and sundays.... would i even be making enough to cover the cost of gas out to gtown? i know that i wan tto work full time at a spa/resort/hotel after i get my license but what if i'm stuck working at a place like massage envy only making $15 an appointment and not knowing when/if i'm going ot be scheduled? how will we make ends meet? how can i possibly feel good about myself if i'm not contributing to the household? and yes i get that taking care of the kids is a contribution but the idea of having to be a dependent again.. to be completely reliant on rickys money makes me burst into tears.... it makes me feel like a child.....