%$&*%@*#$!!!!

starting to have a slight freak out about whats going to happen in a couple of weeks when ricky goes back to work and i'm at the house by myself 6 days, 5 afternoons and 4 (or more) nights a week.... when will i sleep? when will i see my husband? when will i get to talk to people who are my own age and who can carry on a conversation? especially if i end up not going back to work. right now i'm not sure that its worth it. i'd only be available saturday afternoons/nights and sundays.... would i even be making enough to cover the cost of gas out to gtown? i know that i wan tto work full time at a spa/resort/hotel after i get my license but what if i'm stuck working at a place like massage envy only making $15 an appointment and not knowing when/if i'm going ot be scheduled? how will we make ends meet? how can i possibly feel good about myself if i'm not contributing to the household? and yes i get that taking care of the kids is a contribution but the idea of having to be a dependent again.. to be completely reliant on rickys money makes me burst into tears.... it makes me feel like a child.....

uncertian

started thinking too much about the future finances of my family... can we afford to put the boys in day care (a $1200 expense) when i haven't been making any money while on maternity leave so that i can go back to work/find a new job... can we afford not to put the boys in day care and have me stay home m-f and just work weekends... what if this new corn based (really pricey) formula doesn't work for micah and we have to go to an even more pricey version or the ridonkulously priced prescription formula... should i go take my licensing exam this month as planned or wait until i'm making money to go.... if i wait how long will i have to work at my current job before i'll have enough money to take the tests... it just goes on and on and on in my head..... blah.