cooking

i am not a big cooker. usually some pasta or raman noodles i added some extra stuff to. but i got a crockpot for christmakkah and am starting to compile recipes. the idea of it just cooking all day while i'm home with the boys and not have to take hours out of my life to cook makes me really happy... here's hoping a get some awesome ideas and put them to good use.

i'd rather...

be doing practically anything than watching more football. it is my husbands only day to sit around and watch what he wants and i want to spend time with him (which is why i'm not in the bedroom watching a movie) and so i'm forced to watch hours on end of football i couldn't possibly care about less. i'd really rather be playing the zelda game (NERD!!) but the wii is in the den and the tv in the bedroom isn't connected to a tv signal so it only does movies- can't kick the hubby in there. or i could be working on my husbands christmakkah present.. but since he's in the house it sorta limits my availability to do that. so i'm suck. on the couch. with bad tv announcers. blargle.

been a while

it's been some time since i've posted anything and i thought- what a shame- perhaps not for you, maybe you haven't missed it. but i think there is something about writing down your thoughts that helps you work through things... and i can always use the help. :)

things are finally starting to get back into a normal flow here after such a long time out of town. after the horrible car wreck there was the death of my grandfather, followed by a horrible fight between my mom and her brother (who is complete db and not missed but it still upset her to let go of him so soon after loosing her dad), then thanksgiving. a lot of time was spent in the car which i'm still not super comfortable with. it may be silly but i keep thinking about all the what ifs that could happen and freak myself the hell out. the brain- it's a weird place. and a lot of time was spent with family. some times it was for good reasons sometimes... not as much. but it was good getting to see them. i saw them more during the month of november then i have in the last year. sometimes i hate that my family and i live so far away from each other, and from my husbands family too.

speaking of rickys family - i'm going to be an aunt again! kevin and hillary are expecting a little girl. can't wait for it... and i hope kevs brain doesn't explode.

glad things are starting to calm down around here and the boys can get back to "normal".. or as normal as we ever are.

different/same

things have really changed for me in the last month. from the giant car wreck, and having to buy a new car to my granddad passing away and all the things that brings and takes away i have been an emotional roller coaster.
when driving to sherman, tx for the funeral my husband ricky told me that i wasn't driving like myself, that i was intimidated by the other drivers. that i was scared of what they might do. i told him that wasn't true. i'm not intimidated... i'm terrified. the thought of being put in the situation where this thought has even the slightest chance to cross my mind freezes me up: are my kids still alive? if you are a parent then you know how debilitating this question is. so scared of having to ask that question again. ever.
and i know its somewhat 'litle girl' of me but... i miss my granddad. it broke my heart every time i saw him for the last year or so because i always thought 'this could be the last time i see him alive.' he was frail and weak the last few times i saw them that he was almost unrecognizable from the strong, confident man i had known my whole life. i will miss him dearly and hope that, if there is a life after this one, he and my gran are getting to see each other again. he's missed her badly.
just a reminder to you and to myself that this life will end one day. if we like or not we will one day the people we love will have to say goodbye to us and be left behind. do not forget to tell them while you can all the things that they mean to you. soon it will be too late and possible unexpected. i was lucky that i had so much time with my granddad and that knew the end was coming, so many others are not so lucky. remember when you wake up in the morning that this day could be your last day. do not put of the things you want or you may never get to see them accomplished.

http://youtu.be/penzsVANV0k

one month

i can't believe its already been a month since the car accident. i'm still having panic attacks and elijah asked me yesterday (when we had to stop quickly) if we were going to crash again. i'm ready to put this part of our lives behind us.

wrecked

a week ago today my family and i enjoyed a lovely day at he texas state fair and then headed back home to round rock after a great weekend in dallas. sadly in elm mott (just outside of waco) we were in a multiple car collision and our car was flipped twice with myself, my husband and our 2 young sons inside. we were really fortunate to, not only all walk away, but to all come out of it with just bruising and some cuts... and even then only on me and ricky. the boys were completely untouched. i can't put into words how fortunate, lucky and totally grateful i am that my family is safe and that i am not having to morn the loss of my loved ones, or have them morn my loss. surely G-d was watching out for us and keeping us out of harms way...

 pics of the crash

....and yet, despite the fact that we are all okay i can't help but feel horribly guilty that i (as the driver) could not keep my family out of harms way. that all of the financial burden (new car, car seats, camera battery, ambulance ride, x-rays, ct scans) and emotional upheaval (i'll cry at practically anything these days (its like being pregnant all over again) and elijah is having night terrors) are all my fault. mentally, i know that there is nothing i could have done to avoid being rear-ended or being hit when the other truck lost control... but emotionally i am guilt ridden in a way i've never felt before, despite what my brain says. 

it's worse at night when elijah wakes up screaming and refuses to go back to sleep because he's too scared and knows he'll have bad dreams again. i'm finding it hard to reassure him because i question my ability to keep him safe. hopefully he and i will find a good place again soon. in the mean time i will take comfort by holding my family close to me and spending as much time as possible showing them that i love them. and praying that nothing like this happens to our family again.

wwwhhhyyyy????

did you ever notice that when you have a really late night, for whatever reason, your children know and out of  instinct wake up extra early? 6 am was so stupid early this morning that i can barely think straight at the moment. i can't wait for elijahs nap time.

tomorrow will be elijahs first day at daycare since we took him out in march to stay home with me to save money. its a new day care and i'm a little nervous but we went by yesterday so elijah could met his new teacher and her kids (its out of her house so they'll be there with him) and they all got on really well. so that was encouraging. hopefully every thing goes smoothly.... fingers crossed.

love

i've been thinking a lot about love lately (weird since it isn't feb). love between a man and a woman, parents and their children, friends.. whatever. and i've pulled together some of my favorite love phrases.. hope this inspires you to tell someone you love them.

• i like not only to be loved, but to be told that i am loved. -george eliott
• there is no remedy for love, but to love more. -henry david thoreau
• the sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo last a great deal longer. -oliver wendell holmes
• to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with- mark twain
• people who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. -bob hope
• your capacity to love others is closely related to your capacity to love yourself. -bruce fisher
• love is an act of endless forgiveness. -peter ustinov
• love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. -jules renard
• love demands the impossible, the absolute, the sky on fire, inexhaustible springtime, life after death and death itself transfigured into eternal life. -albert camus
• love is a temporary madness.-captain corelli's mandolin
• i love you , not only for what you are, but for what i am when i am with you. -roy croft
• kiss me and you will see stars; love me and i will give them to you. -unknown
• if i had a flower for every time i thought of you, i could walk in my garden forever. -alfred lord tennyson   

have any other great love verses? send them my way!

a night off

today is my husbands 30th birthday and to celebrate we had dinner and drinks with friends last night followed by some alone time at juniors bar in downtown round rock and a night at a nearby hotel while my in-laws watched our kids. we had the availability to sleep all night and sleep late... so of course i was up at 5:45 thinking it was time to get up with micah for a feeding. then we were both up by 8:30am... and missing our kids.

and how did we spend my husbands birthday today? taking the boys to the park to play on the play ground and feed the ducks and playing with the puppies at "barktoberfest", eating bbq, taking naps and now he and his dad are on their way to the ut football game. tomorrow while the boys sleep he'll get a professional massage :)

moral of the story- even when we have free time or its our birthdays... its still all about our boys.

describes my night...

every so often you come across a book that so accurately describes your life that its a little freaky. last night i was reminded of the book 'go the fuck to sleep' by adam mansbach (a wonderful gift from my mom). heres some of my favorite passages. enjoy:

'the windows are dark in the town, child. the whales huddle down in the deep. i'll read you one very last book if you swear you'll go the fuck to sleep.'
'the wind whispers soft through the grass, hon. the field mice, they make not a peep. its been thirty-eight minutes already. jesus christ, what the fuck? go to sleep.'
'the cubs and the lions are snoring, wrapped in a big snuggly heap. how come you can do all this other great shit but you can't lie the fuck down and sleep?'
'we're finally watching our movie. popcorn's in the microwave. beep. oh shit. goddamn it. you've gotta be kidding. come on, go the fuck back to sleep.'

ah, parenthood...

endings

and so the time has come.. i am no longer a breast feeding mother...

this is a strange thing for me.

on one hand i'm totally excited. i get to drink and eat what i'd like and not worry about things like: it it too spicy for the baby? i can really start exercising (his one may seem weird but i know a lot of moms who's milk dried up after hard days of working out and i'm like the size of a small car these days- i'd like to correct that) i don't have to worry about finding a private place to pump or a relaxing chair to feed in. the feeding responsibilities (which have always been an 80/20 split) can now be split more evenly because i'm not a needed component any longer.

on the other hand i'm totally distraught. i no longer get to have my little one snuggled all close to me that way. i'm no longer the thing he needs to thrive (since breast milk is best). i'm now super worried about his digestion because of how much formula he'll be drinking. feeding is no longer just between me and my micah. and i will never get to experience it again (as ricky and i do not plan on having any more children).

i have never held back from the fact that i don't really like breast feeding. not because i don't understand its importance or because i'm super weirded out by having my kid eat from my breasts, but because i always found it slightly awkward and neither of my children were very good latchers. it also took FOREVER to feed that way. perhaps i have been lost to the land of instant gratification or i'm just super impatient.... or both. but i could pump in about 10 minutes, i could make a bottle of formula in about 1 1/2.. it took about 20 minutes, some times much much more, to feed from me. and when i feed brom a bottle i don't get blisters on my nipples.... just sayin. now i will get to have my body back just to me. its been almost a year (to the week) that i got pregnant and for the first time in 11 1/2 months i belong only to me (no matter what the hubby says).

while i was enjoying the extra calories being burned and the uterus shrinking benefits of breast feeding and i'm not looking forward to starting visits with 'aunt flo' again any time soon, its time. micah is young enough that he will not be upset by this and he takes to the bottle like a champ so no worries there. a friend, who has a son a few months older than micah, has more than her fair share of milk and her son does not take to the bottle like a champ.. or at all. so we are lucky enough to have been gifted with a entire drawer in our freezer full of her expressed milk. this will keep micah drinking more breast milk rather than formula (this is also a relief to our pocketbooks) and i'm so grateful that he will still be able to get the benefits of breast milk, even if its not mine.

i'm far more hormonal and upset about saying good-bye to breast feeding than i ever thought i would be.. but there it is.. i'm a sad camper....
but look who is here to cheer me up! mr. negra modelo! i've missed you too! now that i'm not breast feeding we can be friends again!

...now where are the limes?

midnight snack....

the next time i'm up late at night and needing something tasty and not made of chocolate....mmmm.. s'mores... i digress.. this is what i'm going to be eating:
What the Bleep Happened to my Rump Roast?: Killer Guacamole From Outer Space
a great alternative to the traditional. sounds super scrumptious. god i wish i had avocados in the house...

sleep

for the first time my son micah (10 weeks) slept all night long.... this is an amazing morning for me... and yet somehow i'm still tired. granted not nearly as much as normal but while the one night of sleep was fan-freaking-tastic it still has not made a dent in the lack of sleep i've accrued in the last 2 months.. one day i will be back on track but for now, this was an incredible start!!

thanks baby micah!!!

blargle

i see other women who seem so cut out to be stay at home moms... i would love to be one of them. on the other hand i am at home with my 2 beautiful sons, that i love, and i kinda hate it. while its giving me a lot of time to get laundry and dishes done (woo-hoo?) my lovely elijah is expressing what it is to (at the same time) revert because of a new sibling and go through the terrible threes. currently ricky is having to lay down with him to try and calm him down enough to not get sick... it won't last. i drove the boys to meet dada for lunch today and half way across the overpass from 35 to the tollway and had to pull over and get out of the car just to scream... yep, thats where i am in my job as a mom. the scream when no one else is around stage.

dear g-d i hope this passes soon.

dear hulu..

i know its probably not really up to you and that the networks make these dumb choices but i really want to watch my shows. without cable you are best option available. but having to wait a month after the air date to see usa network programing and having shows from food network seem to pop up at random (some episodes are the day after some are 4 days later) is really frustrating at 3am... just saying.

a new frustration

i've added to my list of things that truly annoy me: when elijah asks for something specific to eat and then refuses to eat it... what a waste. i don't want to use the 'theres starving children in the sudan' speech with him but there are! hell, there are starving children down the street... oh how i with this was something i could teach a 3 year old but, alas, he's 3 and not likely to understand the concept.

Travel

Going on trips with little people is tiring. They think they should get new stuff cause they're on vacation, special bed times, new toys, different food. And then complain in a way ats a kin to showing off.... However, Elijah seems to have had a genuinely good time and I'm excited for all the pictures of my 2 little guys. Too bad neither of them are old enough to remember the coolness.

naps

elijah has decided that he is no longer going to be a nap taker... i am not thrilled about this decision. i know that its a sign of him growing up and i should be really excited about it...but... since i'm getting ready to be a stay at home mom i was really looking forward to the build in quiet time of his nap... not the ridiculous melt down i know will come every day at 730.... booo growing up.

so much...

so much going on these days. i keep thinking we're gonna have some down time but talking with my good friend samar tonight made me really notice that everything i have planned with my family is sort of right on top of each other... why wouldn't i give myself a little breathing room?
tomorrow we're going to get micahs room ready for him to move in (he's been sleeping in mama and dadas room), friday ricky and his dad are taking elijah to sea world in san antonio, saturday the boys and i leave for chicogo for a few days, the day after we get back ricky starts work, the next day i start my first day of work back from maternity leave and the boys will be in dallas (again), then we start our new lives- ricky working 8-15hours a day m-f and half a day saturday and me working 24 hours a day 5 days a week as a stay at home mom and 4-8  hours a day on the weekends at my paying job but still picking up the extra hours of the day as a mom.... yikes.

i suddenly feel very overwhelmed.

finally

we're now back in dallas and trying to get the boys (and ourselves) back on schedule. we shall see how this goes...
i'm currently typing and watching micah sleep... which will explain any typos i see when i get done typing this sentence... but he's so beautiful and peaceful... i wish i looked that way when i slept... i also just which that i slept.


8typos. :P

waking

i hate waking up to having an argument with my husband... especially when its over baby formula... seriously!?! do we not have other things we could discuss at 7am... like going back to sleep?

granted, figuring out what kind of formula is going to best for our littlest guy is a big deal and saying "well if he needs the special formula thats not really something we can afford" is a horribly stupid statement because if its what our son NEEDS we have to figure out a way to afford it in order to keep him healthy... but still couldn't this fight wait until i've at least put my glasses on or brushed my teeth?

thinking...

this is what happens when you watch crappy tv while tired and breast feeding.....
the chick who plays the lead in the so bad its good movie 'stick it' totally should have played bella in the twilight movies.
enjoy this useless tidbit.

its midnight and my littlest man has finally fallen asleep... going to try and put him to bed for the night.. we'll see how this goes as he's been pretty unsuccessful all week.
on a bright note micah has FINALLY had a bm on his own without the aid of suppositories or vaseline coated thermometers. hopefully this trend will continue. if so i'll be able to cancel his appointment at dell childrens on thrursday to have an xrays and possibly an enema... fingers crossed peeps.

%$&*%@*#$!!!!

starting to have a slight freak out about whats going to happen in a couple of weeks when ricky goes back to work and i'm at the house by myself 6 days, 5 afternoons and 4 (or more) nights a week.... when will i sleep? when will i see my husband? when will i get to talk to people who are my own age and who can carry on a conversation? especially if i end up not going back to work. right now i'm not sure that its worth it. i'd only be available saturday afternoons/nights and sundays.... would i even be making enough to cover the cost of gas out to gtown? i know that i wan tto work full time at a spa/resort/hotel after i get my license but what if i'm stuck working at a place like massage envy only making $15 an appointment and not knowing when/if i'm going ot be scheduled? how will we make ends meet? how can i possibly feel good about myself if i'm not contributing to the household? and yes i get that taking care of the kids is a contribution but the idea of having to be a dependent again.. to be completely reliant on rickys money makes me burst into tears.... it makes me feel like a child.....

should i?

should i be sleeping right now instead of waiting up for micah to get up and want to eat again?... maybe... but since he keeps opening his eyes and looking at me i feel like it can't be too far off. plus i've gotta wake him up by 11:30 anyway (poor boy and his suppositories)
in any case i'm off to play computer games until the boy comes to.

uncertian

started thinking too much about the future finances of my family... can we afford to put the boys in day care (a $1200 expense) when i haven't been making any money while on maternity leave so that i can go back to work/find a new job... can we afford not to put the boys in day care and have me stay home m-f and just work weekends... what if this new corn based (really pricey) formula doesn't work for micah and we have to go to an even more pricey version or the ridonkulously priced prescription formula... should i go take my licensing exam this month as planned or wait until i'm making money to go.... if i wait how long will i have to work at my current job before i'll have enough money to take the tests... it just goes on and on and on in my head..... blah.

sons

to my beautiful son elijah,
it does not matter what toy you want to have taken to bed, you made a decision now stick by it and GO TO SLEEP... or at the very least please stop yelling about how you wish you had your lightning and tow mater cars instead of your thomas and toby trains.
love
mama

to my beautiful newbie micah,
i don't care if the doctor thinks you're "a little ahead of the curve" in your weight (11lb 9oz and 23 1/4in at 5 weeks)... i still think you're a gorgeous little boy... and when i called you my little piggy earlier it was cause of the snorting sounds you were making, not your size... mama doesn't want to give you a complex.
love
mama

sickness

having an infant who is sick in any way is one of the worst things on the planet... they're so little and don't understand whats wrong and in a lot of cases are too tiny to receive some meds. i just want my littlest man to be on the mend.... :( i'm making a serious pout face here at home right now. micah's been given a work in appointment with the pediatrician and hopefully she can recommend some ways to get him relief.

party

just got home from a birthday party (happy birthday melynda!) and realized 2 things....

1. 2 beers + not drinking for 9 months = sleepy rebecca

2. i hate pumping breast milk just to throw it away.

now off to bottle feed the baby who just woke up since i have "beer flavored breasts" (thanks for the great quote goes out to my husband)

hp remembered

when i first heard of harry potter i was in high school working as a nanny. the little girl i took care of got to read one chapter every night before bed. i didn't really get into then because it was hard to keep track of a story you only heard once every 7 chapters... later when i was visiting nyc looking for a place to live friends of mine reprimanded me that i hadn't read the books yet.i thought- aren't these childrens books? but d had never let me down on book choices before (or since) so i started reading them sitting on a couch in jamaica, queens. later that year when my (then) fiance and i had moved to nyc we went to see the big friday night release. i instantly fell in love with the story all over again. it was, for lack of a better term, magical.
many things have changed in my life since the first reading and viewing of hp&tss.. i left nyc and my fiance. i moved to austin and fell in love all over again with my high school sweetheart. we are now married and have to 2 beautiful sons. we've watched the cast of hp grow up within these films and within the "real world" and now we must bid the series a sort of farewell. there will be no more book or movie releases for us to look forward too but as a fellow blogger ( http://chocolateandcreamcake.blogspot.com/2011/07/haiku-revieu-harry-potter-and-deathly.html) stated- we can always revisit the world of harry potter that we've come to love- the books and movies will always be there to recapture our imagination... and bring a little magic into our lives.

middle of the night

i was too tired to post last night (330am) when i thought of it so here it is now in all of its irrational glory:

why can't my gray/silver hair be growing in all in the front (ala rouge) instead of almost all on the right side and even then in the back right... if i've got to be showing my age why can't it be in a cool way... stupid growing older

sicky pants

....no pun intended


my littlest man micah is sadly very... stopped up. we've been told that this could happen because we're also formula feeding along with breast milk. but its been since saturday and my poor little guy is very uncomfortable. if something doesn't....move.. for him soon we're going to have to take him to the doctor.
ricky stopped by cvs tonight to see if they have anything for this issue (since they carry drops for infants with the opposite problem) and a pharmacist there recommended i eat chocolate before breast feeding to help... move things along..
best. advice.ever.

ealry morning present

getting up to soothe your child and having them vomit up formula all over your chest at 630am is a horrible way to start the day... just saying.

10 favorite things

so along the lines of my last post, i was thinking how much i love air conditioning. so here in no particular order are my 10 favorite inventions: (note that i did not list electricity because i thought it was too broad a term at this point so i picked things that might run on electricity)

1. air conditioning- i live in texas and i don't see how anyone in this state lives without it... even in the panhandle.
2. indoor heating- cause i'm a giant baby about being comfortable and every 3 years it gets cold here.
3. the modern combustion engine- because, while i'd love to have a horse to ride around every so often, you can not install air conditioning in a horse. and think how long it would take us to get places without cars
4. indoor plumbing (shower/baths)- cause not having to dig wells and bucket off with cold well water is awesome
5. indoor plumbing (toilets)- cause not having to use an outhouse or bushes is one of lifes joys. especially in the extreme heat/cold... another nod to my pals ac/heat.
6. netflix- i miss you x-files, but with a flip of the old xbox 360 remote i can watch mulder and scully in all their glory. (also good for childrens programing to keep elijah amused while i make food, feed the baby, do laundry, etc.)
7. social media- its so nice to be able to reconnect with so many people that mean so much to me but live elsewhere. being able to show the grandparents photos of the grandkids so often is a blessing.. in a lot of ways :)
8. breast pumps- because no one told me before i had kids how much engorged breasts hurt. you do not wake a sleeping baby to fix this problem- so enters the breast pump... even if one does look like a total jackass while using it.
9. surge protectors- keep a lot of things on this list running  when the thunder storms hit.
10. washers/dryers- because its hard to dry clothes when its raining outside... and the idea of using a washboard for something other than zydeco music... unthinkable!

rss 5:22pm

hot

i'm not sure how people stand doing outdoor activities in this heat. i grew up here in texas and, except for the one year i lived in nyc and froze my ass off, have lived here my whole life. but only recently have i noticed just now hot it is. today i walked less than a mile from a car to the erwin center to watch the davis cup.. getting inside to the air conditioning was like a gift from god. i was a sweaty mess and stayed that way for the whole first match. perhaps its because i'm older, maybe its because i just had a baby and my hormones are still stuck in hot flash insanity mode.... whatever the reason, its fraking hot outside and i'm totally over it. i wonder where good, mild temperature year round places there are to live... cause i want to retire to one of these places... immediately.

tennis

my husband and father in law are out at the davis cup... they have currently been watching tennis for the last 4 hours... my husband is a tennis instructor and so he must find this very interesting but they plan on staying longer. thank goodness my mother in law is in town to help with the boys... or else the grocery shopping trip would have been much more of an adventure than i would have liked today.

futility

and so the no sleep continues... going to bed was such an awesome idea, i wish micah had thought so.  its amazing what you can do when you're breast feeding instead of bottle feeding... like typing a blog while watching x-files.

the episode i'm watching takes place as the ball is dropping bringing us into the year 2000 (hooray y2k insanity) and it makes me thing about what a difference a decade can make. i was unmarried, no children, still in school, studying musical theater.... i hadn't yet moved to new york city, hadn't been engaged to a man i would eventually leave behind... 9/11 hadn't yet happened, my grandmother was still alive. i had another life then and it felt like it was a lifetime ago. i can't imagine how different my life would be if i had stayed in nyc, married the first man i was engaged to, stayed in musical theater... i'm thankful for the life i had then because it lead me to the one i have now.
how different is your life now?

first time out

this is my very first entry in my very first blog.. such a strange thing to be committing ones thoughts so permanently into the world...
my beautiful boys are finally asleep and i feel i must jump on the opportunity to be asleep as well. this is a pretty common piece of advice for new parents... so why the hell am i up amusing you people?? off to bed :)