its midnight and my littlest man has finally fallen asleep... going to try and put him to bed for the night.. we'll see how this goes as he's been pretty unsuccessful all week.
on a bright note micah has FINALLY had a bm on his own without the aid of suppositories or vaseline coated thermometers. hopefully this trend will continue. if so i'll be able to cancel his appointment at dell childrens on thrursday to have an xrays and possibly an enema... fingers crossed peeps.

%$&*%@*#$!!!!

starting to have a slight freak out about whats going to happen in a couple of weeks when ricky goes back to work and i'm at the house by myself 6 days, 5 afternoons and 4 (or more) nights a week.... when will i sleep? when will i see my husband? when will i get to talk to people who are my own age and who can carry on a conversation? especially if i end up not going back to work. right now i'm not sure that its worth it. i'd only be available saturday afternoons/nights and sundays.... would i even be making enough to cover the cost of gas out to gtown? i know that i wan tto work full time at a spa/resort/hotel after i get my license but what if i'm stuck working at a place like massage envy only making $15 an appointment and not knowing when/if i'm going ot be scheduled? how will we make ends meet? how can i possibly feel good about myself if i'm not contributing to the household? and yes i get that taking care of the kids is a contribution but the idea of having to be a dependent again.. to be completely reliant on rickys money makes me burst into tears.... it makes me feel like a child.....

should i?

should i be sleeping right now instead of waiting up for micah to get up and want to eat again?... maybe... but since he keeps opening his eyes and looking at me i feel like it can't be too far off. plus i've gotta wake him up by 11:30 anyway (poor boy and his suppositories)
in any case i'm off to play computer games until the boy comes to.

uncertian

started thinking too much about the future finances of my family... can we afford to put the boys in day care (a $1200 expense) when i haven't been making any money while on maternity leave so that i can go back to work/find a new job... can we afford not to put the boys in day care and have me stay home m-f and just work weekends... what if this new corn based (really pricey) formula doesn't work for micah and we have to go to an even more pricey version or the ridonkulously priced prescription formula... should i go take my licensing exam this month as planned or wait until i'm making money to go.... if i wait how long will i have to work at my current job before i'll have enough money to take the tests... it just goes on and on and on in my head..... blah.

sons

to my beautiful son elijah,
it does not matter what toy you want to have taken to bed, you made a decision now stick by it and GO TO SLEEP... or at the very least please stop yelling about how you wish you had your lightning and tow mater cars instead of your thomas and toby trains.
love
mama

to my beautiful newbie micah,
i don't care if the doctor thinks you're "a little ahead of the curve" in your weight (11lb 9oz and 23 1/4in at 5 weeks)... i still think you're a gorgeous little boy... and when i called you my little piggy earlier it was cause of the snorting sounds you were making, not your size... mama doesn't want to give you a complex.
love
mama

sickness

having an infant who is sick in any way is one of the worst things on the planet... they're so little and don't understand whats wrong and in a lot of cases are too tiny to receive some meds. i just want my littlest man to be on the mend.... :( i'm making a serious pout face here at home right now. micah's been given a work in appointment with the pediatrician and hopefully she can recommend some ways to get him relief.