a week ago today my family and i enjoyed a lovely day at he texas state fair and then headed back home to round rock after a great weekend in dallas. sadly in elm mott (just outside of waco) we were in a multiple car collision and our car was flipped twice with myself, my husband and our 2 young sons inside. we were really fortunate to, not only all walk away, but to all come out of it with just bruising and some cuts... and even then only on me and ricky. the boys were completely untouched. i can't put into words how fortunate, lucky and totally grateful i am that my family is safe and that i am not having to morn the loss of my loved ones, or have them morn my loss. surely G-d was watching out for us and keeping us out of harms way...
....and yet, despite the fact that we are all okay i can't help but feel horribly guilty that i (as the driver) could not keep my family out of harms way. that all of the financial burden (new car, car seats, camera battery, ambulance ride, x-rays, ct scans) and emotional upheaval (i'll cry at practically anything these days (its like being pregnant all over again) and elijah is having night terrors) are all my fault. mentally, i know that there is nothing i could have done to avoid being rear-ended or being hit when the other truck lost control... but emotionally i am guilt ridden in a way i've never felt before, despite what my brain says.
it's worse at night when elijah wakes up screaming and refuses to go back to sleep because he's too scared and knows he'll have bad dreams again. i'm finding it hard to reassure him because i question my ability to keep him safe. hopefully he and i will find a good place again soon. in the mean time i will take comfort by holding my family close to me and spending as much time as possible showing them that i love them. and praying that nothing like this happens to our family again.
